No More Dreams
by Cari1
Summary: One shot Zan-fic. Zan dreams of something that touches him deeper than the destiny that dominates his life.


Disclaimer: Don't own Roswell, nor any of the characters. And I ain't making any money off of this.  
  
  
"No More Dreams"  
  
  
Zan sat patient and still, watchful. He was in a cold, unfeeling place that knew no compassion, warmth, or pity. He tried to ignore the constant distraction, but he could feel the universal clock sounding in his head, the tick, tick, ticking away in its infinitely sluggish pace. He had been given another shot with the universal clock, another deck of cards, another game to play against the Great Enemy. He had to plan carefully, play the   
game more wisely...he wouldn't have another chance.  
  
The Enemy made the first move, and had suggested a meeting of the big heads of all the worlds. The Enemy claimed that they desired to end the aggression, and wanted to sort out the differences. The play appeared to be perfectly legit, but Zan could sense the deception underneath. He wouldn't come to the table when he knew the deck was stacked against him, he knew that he made the right decision regarding the big meet with the Enemy.   
  
Rath and Lonnie had made a big stink about his decision, and this had been one of the few times he had had to exert his authority. He felt a tinge of guilt of what he had done to them. Zan sighed. He seemed to have to "prove" himself constantly to his sister and his supposed best friend. Reason rarely worked with them, and when their backs were up force was the only way to drive the point home that he was serious. He would not bend. He was right dammit!! He was right....  
  
But why did that clock in his head sound so loudly? The tick, ticking was moving against him, he could feel it. It was distracting and disconcerting, truly.  
  
He sighed and concentrated inward, pushing the sound away. Destiny and that infernal clock took turns rattling against their cages, demanding his attention. The weight of being "fearless leader" nibbled at the edge of his consciousness, and it was only through Herculean effort that he was able to push those distracting thoughts away.   
  
Zan was tired of being the head honcho in his waking hours. He was tired of his worries, his damn destiny, eating at him. His dreams would be his own.  
  
He sighed, flexing his fingers, gathering himself into that black, calm void. He focused on his center, his innermost place, the sanctuary, the place where Zan belonged to Zan. And if he could get things still enough, listen and wait long enough, maybe...just maybe...he could feel that something.   
  
That inexplicable something...someone...who reached beyond his supposed "destiny" to touch him. Who didn't want Zan the King, Zan the Savior, Zan of Destiny.... who wanted Zan. It only connected to him when he was at his center...and the only way there was by shedding all the so-nothings/so-everythings that plagued him when he was awake...  
  
Damn destiny, damn time, damn right or wrong decisions...damn...damn....  
  
He hissed at himself. His distractions had distractions! He took a slow, calming breath, and again focused his energies inward. This time, it happened so fast, that inward travail, that he momentarily lost his sense of equilibrium.  
  
His focus came in and out for a few seconds, and it took several more moments for him to realize that he was hearing a very light musical laugh.  
  
It chimed distantly at first, then closer, closer...till it was so close that it tickled the little hairs of his ear, teasing a smile onto his lips. He had made it! His heart quickened in anticipation.   
  
She was here.  
  
Those soft hands grabbed hold of his shoulders and whirled him round, and clasped him close to her chest. He felt himself melt into her, his true soulmate. His dream girl that held both a mystery and a familiarity that transcended anything that he had known in this life...or his last.   
  
She swayed from side to side, moving gracefully in time to music he could just faintly hear. She giggled sweetly and murmured something into his chest, as if speaking directly to his heart. Zan leaned his head forward and buried his face in her hair,sucking the air through his nostrils slowly. As hard as he tried, he could only sense the freshness and warmth, instead of inhaling a specific scent.  
  
She was a slim ray of sunlight...intense and burning. He threaded his hands into the back of her head, reveling in its softness, cradling it in the palms of his hands. He whispered her name over and over, tears of fire scalding his eyes because they wouldn't shed. All the joy and brightness in the universe seemed to find vessel in this one girl, and his heart wanted to burst with the wonder of having her in his arms.  
  
Her presence filled him like warm honey, and his soul, cold and hard as stone became the soft organ that was capable of emotions beyond his normal feelings guilt, inadequacy, and worry. The constant pressure of leadership made his normally gentle and loving heart prone to the walled precision and chill of a seasoned politician. He was an old man in a teen's body. A teen with the responsibility of billions on his lonely shoulders, and his only respite was in his dreams, with her.  
  
He still felt all the people digging desperately into the blades of his shoulders, but she seemed to share the burden, and with a levity of spirit that uplifted his own.   
  
Zan breathed his endearments into her hair, punctuating each with a brief kiss at them crown of her head, hands combing through her long silky strands. She responded with words of her own, again speaking directly into his heart, her hands traveling the length of his arms and back in elongated caresses. And thus they moved...with the rhythm of long time lovers, a dance of light to light, need meeting need...drowning in each other's souls.  
  
"Zan....Zan...."  
  
They rocked side to side...each denying the call of the waking world.  
  
"Zan...wake up!"  
  
She pulled back and looked up sadly into his face. He would always remember that expression she wore.  
  
"Zan...Zan, please!!"   
  
It was the same expression she always wore when his destiny called him away.   
Zan pulled her into a tight embrace, kissing her with a passion that was burning, tearing, and loving her with every fiber of his being.  
  
"Zan...." The tone of voice was now reaching slightly above a whisper, and was followed by the shaking of his shoulders.  
  
Zan moaned in frustration against her mouth, and she pulled back again. He tried to reach for lips, but she pushed on his chest and shook her head.  
  
"Zan, baby..."  
  
His dreamscape flickered for a bare moment, then closed around her bright, very  
solemn-looking face. It was like the eclipse of his sun...  
  
Zan sat up abruptly, knocking off a surprised and relieved Ava off his chest   
and onto the floor.  
  
"Whu..?" He blinked, blinked the sleep from his eyes.   
  
Ava pushed herself off the ground and crawled back onto the couch with him, snuggling against him fitfully.  
  
"Ava..?" He ventured tentively, brushing her burrowing head back from his chest in a quick, perfunctory motion.  
  
"Zan, baby...yah gotta learn ta sleep more sound." She groused. Ava propped her chin up and lightly touched the sides of his face. "Baby...you're crying..."  
  
He struggled back up on an elbow, Ava moving to accommodate him. He reached up with his other hand and pressed it to his face.  
  
"I...well...whaddaya know!" He took his fingers away, rubbing the moisture together between his thumb and forefingers.  
  
"Bad dream?" Ava asked concernedly, wiping the tracks of his tears all the way to his chin with her palms. Her eyes flicked to the lumps to the left of them, lumps that let out twin snores.  
  
His eyes followed hers and rested on the lumps, barely stifling a frown.  
  
"Nothin'...nothin' to concern yerself wit." Zan shook his head from side to side, he could never remember what they were anyway when he woke up. All he was left with was this feeling of...longing? Emotion? He couldn't put a finger on a specific word to describe the condition of his confused thoughts, all he knew is that he felt physically weak and wrung out.   
  
He tried to dismiss his trains of thought as he took in Ava's tired and worried face. He settled back down into the folds of the couch, and again Ava moved till he made himself comfortable. When done with his own ministrations, he pressed Ava's head back down to his chest and circled one hand around her back. With a gesture that was almost brotherly in its affection, he reached up and ruffled her hair. "Sleep, babe. No more dreams, no more dreams."  
  
Ava rolled her head to look at him sleepily, grunted contentedly, and then nuzzled into the curve of his neck.  
  
Hours later, when her breathing assumed the normal and even pattern associated with sleep, Zan was still staring up into the darkness. He felt restless. And even with Ava here snuggled in his arms, he felt so alone.  
  
This should be right. He was with his girlfriend, a girl who had incidentally been his wife in his past life, he had his sister and his right hand man...had a purpose...a place....  
  
So why didn't he feel whole? Why did he feel like he was always waiting for something else to fit into the picture?  
  
He finally sighed irritably and closed his eyes.  
  
"No more dreams...." He muttered.  
  
  
  
Note from author: Yes...this is my first fanfic. It was really hard to post this stupid  
thing. The first part of this (during the dream sequence) was supposed to be in italics with the rest in a more convential font. I couldn't get it to work! If you have any suggestions on how to get text only files to save specific font types, let me know ( I do not know how to use HTML) Please, when leaving comments or sending email, give an honest opinion. CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcome, and please be specific (So I can fix this sucker or the next sucker so that it's more reader friendly or whatever). My email is SiveRois@aol.com.   



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